PinnedCompassion for the (Monstrous) MotherI’m sick again, the kind of sleepy delirium you only get with a fever. It is one of those syrupy slow afternoons that feels dreamy and half-real, and I am missing my mother, as I tend to do when I am sick or scared or lonely. I’ve not spoken to…4 min read
May 3NebraskaIt is a Friday afternoon in February, and I am so sad I could scream and I want, more than anything, in this very moment, to eat ice cream in the bathtub. Precisely, to take a bath while also eating ice cream. It sounds so decadent, so outlandishly rich and…3 min read
Jan 29If the World is Imploding In On Itself, Do I Still Have to Go to Work on Monday?The truth is that I am utterly, thoroughly exhausted with myself. Everything I am is used up and burnt out. I am existentially embarrassed. As if there is a peanut gallery just outside the frame at all times, sighing loudly and rolling their eyes at my every move. …3 min read
Sep 8, 2021Grief is Never EndingLoneliness wells up in me like a tidal wave, the kind there’s no cure for. I miss him so much. My whole world has been forever changed. I see it all much more clearly now, how sometimes family is blood and blood alone — but sometimes, on very rare occasions…The Grief Series4 min read
Jun 5, 2021The Glass Garden, I.Mama drops a glass in the kitchen. It shatters, broken glass everywhere, as dropped glass tends to do. She does not tell me not to come into the kitchen. She does not tell me to be careful. I imagine I come rushing in like some sort of storm. Whatever the…3 min read
Apr 11, 2021Grief Is Not RationalWhen they cleaned out my grandfather’s room, the top drawer of his nightstand by his bed was full to the brim with uneaten mints — Lifesavers brand — he would put them in the drawer, forget they were there, ask my grandmother to buy him more — rinse and repeat…The Grief Series5 min read
Mar 4, 2021Grief is Not LinearGrief is not linear. There are no steps to follow, no guide or tell-all book you can read to force any of this to make sense. Time doubles back and folds in on itself, and you are caught in the throes of it, nothing to do but hold on as…The Grief Series5 min read
Feb 2, 2021Eating Snowflakes with Plastic ForksI am no one’s son. I sure as hell am not anybody’s daughter, either. Who do I belong to, then? That’s what this all comes down to — I want, what I have always wanted, so badly to belong somewhere. …4 min read
Dec 5, 2020The Real, Not Proverbial, Haunted HouseBefore I moved back home, in the year I spent in the Holiday House, I could go places at night, alone, no crippling dread; I could do the dishes, and keep my room clean, and get out of bed at a reasonable hour, and so many other little things I…5 min read
Nov 19, 2020My Grandfather Will Never Know I Am a Good Man because of HimFor as long as I can remember, my grandpa (papa, as I have always called him) was my Knight in Shining Armor. He was everything I needed and never got from my father, and more. …4 min read
